After the past few months, hearing this song led me to realize the truth and beauty that John Newton captured in these words. God is good. He takes good care of me. I hope and pray that I am learning what He is trying to teach me through this time of doubt and worry. Thank you all for your prayers...

I asked the Lord that I might grow
In faith, and love, and every grace;
Might more of His salvation know,
And seek, more earnestly, His face.

’Twas He who taught me thus to pray,
And He, I trust, has answered prayer!
But it has been in such a way,
As almost drove me to despair.

I hoped that in some favored hour,
At once He’d answer my request;
And by His love’s constraining pow’r,
Subdue my sins, and give me rest.

Instead of this, He made me feel
The hidden evils of my heart;
And let the angry pow’rs of hell
Assault my soul in every part.

Yea more, with His own hand He seemed
Intent to aggravate my woe;
Crossed all the fair designs I schemed,
Blasted my gourds, and laid me low.

Lord, why is this, I trembling cried,
Wilt thou pursue thy worm to death?
’Tis in this way, the Lord replied,
I answer prayer for grace and faith.

These inward trials I employ,
From self, and pride, to set thee free;
And break thy schemes of earthly joy,
That thou may’st find thy all in Me.

- John Newton, 1779

I knew it was getting out of hand...
Stress has been building in me since about the middle of last week about a few things, but mainly about whether or not I've been accepted into grad school, since the answer to that question will determine my course of action in several other aspects. I haven't been sleeping as well during the past few nights, and I had sharp stomach pain yesterday afternoon/evening. Chomping down a few Rolaids (am I too young to need those?) and getting past the gag reflex due to chalkiness, I proceded with my dinner plans with A. I needed to talk. We had a great, yet sobering conversation about all things going on, and she was just as saintly, and yet "real" as I could've asked for in a friend. She told me, "Look, God is in control. He won't necessarily do things the way you'd want them to be done, but He's still working through you. You can't expect always expect Him to do things your way. We're here to bring glory to Him, not us." I looked down and nodded. (Ugh..why do I worry?! Why, why, why?? I'm not in control, and I never will be,...but I manage to forget that every day! Every *&^%#^&#$ day. How is it that I forget that on a daily, no, HOURLY basis?) I was sure that today would be better...
But I came in this morning and didn't feel good. Desperate for a cup o' joe, and yet unwilling to discover what caffeine would do to my stomach, I made myself stay at my desk in hopes that my drowsiness would fade away as the day progressed. Not much luck there; I felt worse.  
Don't get me wrong, the desire to get down to business and try to get my work done was there...but I just couldn't fully concentrate. Seriously, I was almost frozen, just thinking about 3 or 4 issues right now that I'd sooner not worry about. But I pressed on to the matter at hand - must get stuff done. Must not stress. See what it does to my body and mind? So, STOP IT. I needed a distraction, so I dived into work, now fully motivated. I started typing Sunday morning stuff. Sometimes I like to practice my sight-reading by flipping through the hymnal and choosing the hymns that I would've picked for Sunday (sadly, that's not my job...I just print the thing). I was typing the selections for Sunday, and out of nowhere, I started humming one of my favorite hymns. I thought to myself, that's #53. I checked. BOO-YAH! (Yes, it's sad....maybe I've worked here too long, when I can remember the numbers of all my favorites.) But then I was looking at the page and I remembered the words. Reading the words to myself and softly singing them to myself, I kept working. And you know what? I started to feel better! I can't describe it...maybe it's God reaching us through the amazing songs He has inspired. In fact, I'm sure it is. A gentle breeze drifted outside, and I actually began to realize how beautiful the day was.
I don't know why I doubt God so much; it's something that I struggle with. I hate how weak I am. But as A said to me, God wants us on our knees every day, realizing how much we need Him. And  EVERY TIME God so graciously welcomes me into His arms and assures me that He will work all the details out...

Praise to the Lord, the Almighty (a.k.a. #53)

Ich muß mein Vater danken für das Telefongespräch gestern Abend. Jetzt ist eine schwere Zeit für mich. So viele Fragen....und nicht so viele Antworten. Ich lerne das die Beten "Hilfe mir, Gott" ist doch gut. Manchmal das ist alle das kann ich sagen....aber Du, der Herr, Du bist immer hier mit mir....

"Wenn die Gerechten schreien, so hört der HERR und errettet sie aus all ihrer Not.
Der HERR ist nahe bei denen, die zerbrochnes Herzens sind, und hilft denen, die ein zerschlagen Gemüt haben."
- Psalm 34: 17-18

Ever since I can remember, I've always thrived on the arts. As a kid, I always loved to sing, re-enact commercials I had seen on TV (to this day, I'm notorious for quoting movies...) draw, paint, and make all kinds of crafts. I took piano lessons starting at age 6 and would occasionally write my own music. I'd read the encyclopedia (yeah, I'll admit it) about all the different countries, including ancient Egypt and India and try to make my little hands scribble out the symbols for hieroglyphics and sanskrit. I loved to draw cartoons when I reached middle school, and I toyed around for a while about becoming an animator/cartoonist. I loved to be experimental with my hair styles (I did tiny braids all over my head for Halloween one year) and would wear lots of rings and jewelry. When I reached high school, piano was still going strong, and in addition I was taking studio art classes, making weird avant-garde type paintings for my bedroom walls at home, acting in plays, singing in the choir, and writing in a journal (I've been an avid journal-keeper for over 10 years now). Towards the end of high school, I thought about going to music school, but instead I developed an extreme interest in film and ended up going to Film School as an undergrad. While studying film turned out to be much harder than I thought, I don't regret having studied it for a second. To me, studying film was the study of the ultimate art form, in some ways, as it marries together visual art, audio/music, and storytelling. So my life, from the beginning, has been filled with various art forms and all the colors, sounds, shapes, and textures that I could enjoy. It was wonderful to be exposed to so much and be so encouraged to try new things....I was realizing from a very early age how beautiful creation is and how creative God is and how He has blessed so many people with so many gifts....

And now:
Now I feel like my creativity is slowly drying up. I've been out of school for about 5 years now, and I haven't done much creating since then because I don't have the time anymore. I feel like if you were to place a huge, blank, inviting sheet of paper in front of me on a sprawling table with paints, colored pencils, charcoal, or oil pastels, that I’d just sit there, looking down at the paper and not do much of anything, because I COULDN’T THINK OF ANYTHING TO CREATE. That’s happened to me before, and it’s a really depressing thing. Now, I’m so concerned about perfectionism (I was a nervous director in Film School because I was so uptight about all the details), that I would probably start something, and then, if I’d see it weren’t working out the way I wanted it to, I’d trash it instead of keeping going to see what it might turn into. My life has become so busy with other stuff that I’ve subconsciously shut creation out slowly over time. This city is so congested and crazy sometimes, that all I want to do in my "off-time" is be alone and watch a movie or go outside...I keep putting artistic stuff aside. I never realized HOW MUCH OF ME is so strongly tied to the arts, and if I can't have that outlet, I suffer. (whoah, if that's not an "emo" statement, I don't know what is...) I may not notice it at first, but I can tell that it's really beginning to have an effect on me. I went to an "arts ministry" program the other night with a friend at her church, and I was amazed at how I could sense - through watching the various music/reading/dance acts and seeing the beautiful visual art hanging on the walls - how much I missed having art play such a big role in my life. The pastor talked about how the first five words of the Bible are "In the beginning, God created" (Genesis 1:1). And what a creative and artistic God He is!! One cannot look at anything in nature and not marvel at its intricacies or color or inner-workings and not be moved. We truly have been blessed with a creative God who wants us to express our love for Him and His glory through art.
But lately I’ve been made aware of how my creative side is dwindling…. I had always imagined having a job that really let my creative side play an integral part of my work, but that’s just because I’m too idealistic for my own good. I guess I’d still like to believe that there’s a “perfect kind of work” out there for me to do that would somehow incorporate all my gifts….but I haven’t found it yet. I’m just really struggling to find the time and energy to commit to doing more projects and actually finishing them (a big problem I had during college, as I was busy with all my film projects). How is it that life gets so cluttered that we cannot find time to spend doing the things that help to truly define us? I’d like to not merely pass through life and just “get by” and have my time be consumed with thoughts on how to make enough money to do whatever I need to do….I want to actively participate and enjoy the gifts that God has given me by creating beautiful things. It’s frustrating when I don’t quite understand how I can fit into all this.
(you’ve noticed by this point that when I’m writing passionately, it sometimes becomes rather stream-of-consciousness, and I sometimes waver in my exact focus of my “thesis statement”…hope I haven’t lost you…) It’s cool to see how these mid-twenties years are actually shaping themselves to reflect a side of me that I always knew was there…maybe it’s just in the process of resurfacing so that I can incorporate it to be what it needs to be to adapt to my new-found (relatively new, anyway) faith, as my spiritual life did a 180 about 3½ years ago; as a result, my opinions and view of various art forms has changed some…but only for the benefit of keeping me safe from ideas that may be too “out there” for me to embrace anymore. I first and foremost embrace God as my Father; I want to honor God in what I do, and I want to enjoy the gifts that He has given to me. So, my goal is to incorporate art and creation more into my weekly routine. Maybe that sounds selfish, as I could be doing other things and helping people do whatever they need help with. But couldn’t this be considered therapy? Isn’t that important, too??